Try different!

Many times in my parenting I have failed to get the desired result I was seeking. This is normal since kids have agency and can choose for themselves. Parents have choices too though. You then have your own choice as a parent, let go of your expectation or keep enforcing. If it's a rule worth making, then it's worth reinforcing. So, when I decide that it's not something I'm willing to lower my expectation on, then I have to look at what I am doing (or not doing) to solicit the behavior I want. I have gotten caught in a trap of trying harder at being consistent with positive or negative reinforcers. Or trying harder at checking up on homework/classwork, or trying harder at talking to my child about their choices, you name a parenting technique and I have gotten caught in a trap of trying harder in a situation where I have repeatedly had the same results! When this happens.... It's time to try different, instead of trying harder. Unfortunately sometimes that means inconveniencing the parent or sacrificing something you want for your child in order to give something they need. The "different" part depends on the kid and the situation and there are no easy answers, but if you think long and hard enough...options will come to mind.

This week I will have to feel those pains as I go a different route for a child....because trying harder hasn't worked.

ABC's of Time Out

LS- Well structured Time Outs are: Appropriate, Brief, Consistent, well Designed, and Educate. This post is taken from pg 12 of the manual.

Appropriate: Does the consequence match the misbehavior? Honest mistakes do not warrant time out. Willful misbehavior does. (violent behaviors, hurtful language, disrespect, destruction)

Brief: Rule of thumb (one minute per year of the child's age) Sherry's addition: for young children I find a portable digital countdown timer or even a sand game timer to be helpful. Another Sherry addition: Rules of time out are important. Child must be quiet and still (do not take still to the extreme though) for the timer to start.

Consistent: Means every time the misbehavior occurs. Consistency about the rules of time out and remaining in time out the whole time. IF THE RULE IS WORTH MAKING, IT'S WORTH ENFORCING EVERY TIME THE MISBEHAVIOR OCCURS.

Design: Don't send your child to their room with their toys. Don't send a child to time out where they have a great view of the show on TV. Do pick someplace boring, out of the way of activity in the home, but where you are able to keep an eye on the child to check for compliance.

Educate: Parents should take every opportunity to teach their children how to make better choices, both when they purposefully choose negative behaviors and when they make honest mistakes. Well intentioned, but ineffective use of time out may as well result in no time out at all. Make sure your child can tell you what misbehavior got them sent to time out and what they need to do differently to keep from going back to time out.

Using the "Rewind" button

LS- "Parents should take every opportunity to teach their children how to make better choices." Yeah, easier said than done....Hello, we are trying to make it to a doctor's appointment on time.

Today my 12 year old came into the family room asking her 9 year old sister, "Hey, you want this?" It was said in a gruff tone and while asking her if she wanted the sweatshirt, she whacked her with it. She got a response appropriate for her actions I thought, "Hey, quit it. Leave me alone." ....Or something like that. To which the 12 year old said, "Fine, I'll give it to someone else." Now the 9 year old was finally able to see what was being offered to her, a Gator sweatshirt, that she indeed wanted, so she started to cry and her older sister got mad at her for crying about it and told her to "shut-up" and then little sister started yelling at her for being mean, of course.

REWIND
Time to call the kids in. Start over. I say, "You- come into the room and ask in a different way. You- respond in a different way and see where that takes you." They rolled their eyes, but played along and gee, things turned out differently.

Luckily I had time to REWIND. I don't often have that luxury. But, it is a good teaching tool when I can....even if I have to coach it along.

A small lesson on forgiveness

I picked up my 5 year old from preschool on Tuesday and could tell something was wrong with her. As we drove I asked what was wrong and the floods descended from her hazel-brown eyes. It broke my heart. She's had a friend at preschool all year that she has enjoyed playing with on the playground. They aren't in the same class, but they always play together when the classes meet up outside. She cried that the last several times that she has seen her on the playground that the little girl keeps running away from her. Tuesday she finally asked her why she keeps running away from her and the little girl said, "I don't want to be your friend anymore." Devastation. It broke her heart. All day she wept as she told the story to other people and she got lots of comfort and lots of mixed advice. "You don't need her anyway." "She was mean to do that to you, just ignore her." "Just play with someone else." On the way to school the next day I told her to remember all the fun she had with the little girl and to tell her that she had fun being her friend and to be honest and tell her that she really hurt her feelings by saying she didn't want to be friends anymore. And offered that maybe she didn't really think about it or had a bad day or that there may just be other things that we don't know, but that we should forgive her and if she still had a bad reaction that we might just need to accept that, but if we care about someone that it is important to try and it is important to forgive.

I realize it could have turned out different, but I'm grateful that the little girl said she was sorry and that she would be her friend again. My daughter came home with a great big smile and a mended heart. She learned that it is ok to confront a difficult situation and to "not let a problem to be solved be more important than a person to be loved" (a quote from one of the general authorities of my church, but I don't know which one...sorry)

My favorite parenting words

Regardless and Never-the-less (from CDAB) which actually are in some way similar to when your mother used to say, "because I said so". I like these better though and think they should replace the 'because I said so' words.

Parent: You can not have A, until you do B.
Kid: But why?, reason 1, and it's not fair because of reason 2
Parent: Regardless, you can not have A, until you do B

Works better because it takes the emphasis off of the parent. There's some sort of psychological factor there in the "because I said so" model. The child interprets it as 'mom is out to ruin me because she hates me, she's just saying that because she doesn't have a good reason.' The Regardless/Never-the-less plan shows the parent as calm and confident of her parenting and that the rule is important for the child, existing for the child's benefit and not the child existing for the rule.

Raining mashed potatoes...

Talk about 'Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs'

We brought home donuts last night for the kids for breakfast. After breakfast, 2 donuts remained. Having had enough sugar for the morning, I did not allow them to split the rest. So. They have been asking all day who gets the last 2. The 3 girls came to dinner tonight. Jake was too sleepy, Tyson isn't here. After whiny complaints about the peas that got served with dinner, Rob proclaimed that the first 2 to finish their peas could get the donuts. Antics pursued, emotions ran high, contorted faces emerged, and the youngest 2 finished theirs first. Then the 11 year old ensued an 11-years-minus-9-year-old tantrum with the usual proclamations of "that's not fair", but picked up some of her mashed potatoes and hurled them across the room. I sent her out to the back porch for a time-out. Inside the 7 year old decided to give her a bite of the donut, so after about 5 minutes I let the 11 year old be done. The 7 year old went out with her "piece" (ha, ha, ok, peace) offering and the 11 year old promptly fed it to the dog which brought on wails of "you're so mean". Sigh. I sent the 11 year old back out to time-out and of course I was completely in the wrong. :)

LS~ Parents must remember that children are driven by emotion. When children are told "no", they often respond in an angry fashion. (double-duh) Parents must remain calm under these circumstances. If BOTH the parent and child become emotional, nothing will be accomplished. We are not saying that parents should not appropriately respond if their child screams at or hits his/her parent. We are saying that the parents' response must be measured and calm.

I was calm in the tater storm. :) yay me.

Parent and Child AGENDAS

The child, especially the teen wants or demands: FRIENDS, FUN, FREEDOM, FOOD!

The parent wants or demands: RESPECT and RESPONSIBILITY!

The clashing of those 2 agendas is sometimes volatile!

Baby steps. Notice any respect or responsibility from the child and PRAISE it. Shhh...don't tell them, but praising them increases the likelihood of that behavior happening again and subconsciously wills them to want to please you in other ways! And be conscious of allowing and making happen the friends, fun, freedom, and food.

Once I went to eat lunch with my daughter at her school and it was a Friday. It was something I was doing to show her I loved her. While at the school her friend asked her what she was doing over the weekend. She responded that she never had fun weekends (which wasn't really true, but ok) that her weekends always went like this: that her parents went on dates, got the errands done, made her do chores, then Sunday she went to church and just stayed home all-day. I got to thinking about it and realized I needed to be more cognizant of making sure she had some Fs in her weekend to motivate her so I could get my Rs!