Many times in my parenting I have failed to get the desired result I was seeking. This is normal since kids have agency and can choose for themselves. Parents have choices too though. You then have your own choice as a parent, let go of your expectation or keep enforcing. If it's a rule worth making, then it's worth reinforcing. So, when I decide that it's not something I'm willing to lower my expectation on, then I have to look at what I am doing (or not doing) to solicit the behavior I want. I have gotten caught in a trap of trying harder at being consistent with positive or negative reinforcers. Or trying harder at checking up on homework/classwork, or trying harder at talking to my child about their choices, you name a parenting technique and I have gotten caught in a trap of trying harder in a situation where I have repeatedly had the same results! When this happens.... It's time to try different, instead of trying harder. Unfortunately sometimes that means inconveniencing the parent or sacrificing something you want for your child in order to give something they need. The "different" part depends on the kid and the situation and there are no easy answers, but if you think long and hard enough...options will come to mind.
This week I will have to feel those pains as I go a different route for a child....because trying harder hasn't worked.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
ABC's of Time Out
LS- Well structured Time Outs are: Appropriate, Brief, Consistent, well Designed, and Educate. This post is taken from pg 12 of the manual.
Appropriate: Does the consequence match the misbehavior? Honest mistakes do not warrant time out. Willful misbehavior does. (violent behaviors, hurtful language, disrespect, destruction)
Brief: Rule of thumb (one minute per year of the child's age) Sherry's addition: for young children I find a portable digital countdown timer or even a sand game timer to be helpful. Another Sherry addition: Rules of time out are important. Child must be quiet and still (do not take still to the extreme though) for the timer to start.
Consistent: Means every time the misbehavior occurs. Consistency about the rules of time out and remaining in time out the whole time. IF THE RULE IS WORTH MAKING, IT'S WORTH ENFORCING EVERY TIME THE MISBEHAVIOR OCCURS.
Design: Don't send your child to their room with their toys. Don't send a child to time out where they have a great view of the show on TV. Do pick someplace boring, out of the way of activity in the home, but where you are able to keep an eye on the child to check for compliance.
Educate: Parents should take every opportunity to teach their children how to make better choices, both when they purposefully choose negative behaviors and when they make honest mistakes. Well intentioned, but ineffective use of time out may as well result in no time out at all. Make sure your child can tell you what misbehavior got them sent to time out and what they need to do differently to keep from going back to time out.
Appropriate: Does the consequence match the misbehavior? Honest mistakes do not warrant time out. Willful misbehavior does. (violent behaviors, hurtful language, disrespect, destruction)
Brief: Rule of thumb (one minute per year of the child's age) Sherry's addition: for young children I find a portable digital countdown timer or even a sand game timer to be helpful. Another Sherry addition: Rules of time out are important. Child must be quiet and still (do not take still to the extreme though) for the timer to start.
Consistent: Means every time the misbehavior occurs. Consistency about the rules of time out and remaining in time out the whole time. IF THE RULE IS WORTH MAKING, IT'S WORTH ENFORCING EVERY TIME THE MISBEHAVIOR OCCURS.
Design: Don't send your child to their room with their toys. Don't send a child to time out where they have a great view of the show on TV. Do pick someplace boring, out of the way of activity in the home, but where you are able to keep an eye on the child to check for compliance.
Educate: Parents should take every opportunity to teach their children how to make better choices, both when they purposefully choose negative behaviors and when they make honest mistakes. Well intentioned, but ineffective use of time out may as well result in no time out at all. Make sure your child can tell you what misbehavior got them sent to time out and what they need to do differently to keep from going back to time out.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Using the "Rewind" button
LS- "Parents should take every opportunity to teach their children how to make better choices." Yeah, easier said than done....Hello, we are trying to make it to a doctor's appointment on time.
Today my 12 year old came into the family room asking her 9 year old sister, "Hey, you want this?" It was said in a gruff tone and while asking her if she wanted the sweatshirt, she whacked her with it. She got a response appropriate for her actions I thought, "Hey, quit it. Leave me alone." ....Or something like that. To which the 12 year old said, "Fine, I'll give it to someone else." Now the 9 year old was finally able to see what was being offered to her, a Gator sweatshirt, that she indeed wanted, so she started to cry and her older sister got mad at her for crying about it and told her to "shut-up" and then little sister started yelling at her for being mean, of course.
REWIND
Time to call the kids in. Start over. I say, "You- come into the room and ask in a different way. You- respond in a different way and see where that takes you." They rolled their eyes, but played along and gee, things turned out differently.
Luckily I had time to REWIND. I don't often have that luxury. But, it is a good teaching tool when I can....even if I have to coach it along.
Today my 12 year old came into the family room asking her 9 year old sister, "Hey, you want this?" It was said in a gruff tone and while asking her if she wanted the sweatshirt, she whacked her with it. She got a response appropriate for her actions I thought, "Hey, quit it. Leave me alone." ....Or something like that. To which the 12 year old said, "Fine, I'll give it to someone else." Now the 9 year old was finally able to see what was being offered to her, a Gator sweatshirt, that she indeed wanted, so she started to cry and her older sister got mad at her for crying about it and told her to "shut-up" and then little sister started yelling at her for being mean, of course.
REWIND
Time to call the kids in. Start over. I say, "You- come into the room and ask in a different way. You- respond in a different way and see where that takes you." They rolled their eyes, but played along and gee, things turned out differently.
Luckily I had time to REWIND. I don't often have that luxury. But, it is a good teaching tool when I can....even if I have to coach it along.
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