A small lesson on forgiveness

I picked up my 5 year old from preschool on Tuesday and could tell something was wrong with her. As we drove I asked what was wrong and the floods descended from her hazel-brown eyes. It broke my heart. She's had a friend at preschool all year that she has enjoyed playing with on the playground. They aren't in the same class, but they always play together when the classes meet up outside. She cried that the last several times that she has seen her on the playground that the little girl keeps running away from her. Tuesday she finally asked her why she keeps running away from her and the little girl said, "I don't want to be your friend anymore." Devastation. It broke her heart. All day she wept as she told the story to other people and she got lots of comfort and lots of mixed advice. "You don't need her anyway." "She was mean to do that to you, just ignore her." "Just play with someone else." On the way to school the next day I told her to remember all the fun she had with the little girl and to tell her that she had fun being her friend and to be honest and tell her that she really hurt her feelings by saying she didn't want to be friends anymore. And offered that maybe she didn't really think about it or had a bad day or that there may just be other things that we don't know, but that we should forgive her and if she still had a bad reaction that we might just need to accept that, but if we care about someone that it is important to try and it is important to forgive.

I realize it could have turned out different, but I'm grateful that the little girl said she was sorry and that she would be her friend again. My daughter came home with a great big smile and a mended heart. She learned that it is ok to confront a difficult situation and to "not let a problem to be solved be more important than a person to be loved" (a quote from one of the general authorities of my church, but I don't know which one...sorry)

My favorite parenting words

Regardless and Never-the-less (from CDAB) which actually are in some way similar to when your mother used to say, "because I said so". I like these better though and think they should replace the 'because I said so' words.

Parent: You can not have A, until you do B.
Kid: But why?, reason 1, and it's not fair because of reason 2
Parent: Regardless, you can not have A, until you do B

Works better because it takes the emphasis off of the parent. There's some sort of psychological factor there in the "because I said so" model. The child interprets it as 'mom is out to ruin me because she hates me, she's just saying that because she doesn't have a good reason.' The Regardless/Never-the-less plan shows the parent as calm and confident of her parenting and that the rule is important for the child, existing for the child's benefit and not the child existing for the rule.

Raining mashed potatoes...

Talk about 'Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs'

We brought home donuts last night for the kids for breakfast. After breakfast, 2 donuts remained. Having had enough sugar for the morning, I did not allow them to split the rest. So. They have been asking all day who gets the last 2. The 3 girls came to dinner tonight. Jake was too sleepy, Tyson isn't here. After whiny complaints about the peas that got served with dinner, Rob proclaimed that the first 2 to finish their peas could get the donuts. Antics pursued, emotions ran high, contorted faces emerged, and the youngest 2 finished theirs first. Then the 11 year old ensued an 11-years-minus-9-year-old tantrum with the usual proclamations of "that's not fair", but picked up some of her mashed potatoes and hurled them across the room. I sent her out to the back porch for a time-out. Inside the 7 year old decided to give her a bite of the donut, so after about 5 minutes I let the 11 year old be done. The 7 year old went out with her "piece" (ha, ha, ok, peace) offering and the 11 year old promptly fed it to the dog which brought on wails of "you're so mean". Sigh. I sent the 11 year old back out to time-out and of course I was completely in the wrong. :)

LS~ Parents must remember that children are driven by emotion. When children are told "no", they often respond in an angry fashion. (double-duh) Parents must remain calm under these circumstances. If BOTH the parent and child become emotional, nothing will be accomplished. We are not saying that parents should not appropriately respond if their child screams at or hits his/her parent. We are saying that the parents' response must be measured and calm.

I was calm in the tater storm. :) yay me.

Parent and Child AGENDAS

The child, especially the teen wants or demands: FRIENDS, FUN, FREEDOM, FOOD!

The parent wants or demands: RESPECT and RESPONSIBILITY!

The clashing of those 2 agendas is sometimes volatile!

Baby steps. Notice any respect or responsibility from the child and PRAISE it. Shhh...don't tell them, but praising them increases the likelihood of that behavior happening again and subconsciously wills them to want to please you in other ways! And be conscious of allowing and making happen the friends, fun, freedom, and food.

Once I went to eat lunch with my daughter at her school and it was a Friday. It was something I was doing to show her I loved her. While at the school her friend asked her what she was doing over the weekend. She responded that she never had fun weekends (which wasn't really true, but ok) that her weekends always went like this: that her parents went on dates, got the errands done, made her do chores, then Sunday she went to church and just stayed home all-day. I got to thinking about it and realized I needed to be more cognizant of making sure she had some Fs in her weekend to motivate her so I could get my Rs!

Shot gun trouble...

Recently the 11 year old and the 13 year old have been fighting over who gets "shot gun" for the front passenger seat in the car. They go over the "rules" of shot gun, 'must be outdoors heading to the car', blah, blah, blah...who cares about the rest. I don't care who sits there. I care about peace and not having problems over a seating position. I want them each responsible for their own behavior. After playing referee more times than I should, even setting consequences for fighting behaviors with each instance and no shot gun for that trip and still having problems, I announced that the next problem with it that I had to become involved in would cost them both the shot gun seat for a month. Of course we had another problem. So now they have a month where if both of them are riding in the car, neither gets shot gun. They have a month to work out a rotation schedule with which they will inform me what they have decided and manage it on their own, no fighting. They wanted me to decide per car ride which one's behavior had been the best and who deserved to sit there. Wrong. That will of course invite more arguing and proclamations of unfairness and leaves them not responsible for their behavior. So,I've heard their discussions of daily, weekly, monthly rotations. Anyways, we'll see what they come up with, but it has to be monitored by them, kept up with by them. Next problem will invite another month of no shotgun at all whether or not they are in the car together, so it is in their best interest to figure it out.

Influence vs. Control

LS~ Children think and act as they do not because they are bad but because they are young.

We need to remember that we do not lose control of our children because we do not have control. We do not control our children. Many parents, myself included sometimes, make the mistake of trying to control their children. What is under our control? The environment we surround our kids with and things! By controlling these we can influence our children, but when things are especially emotional between parent and child we need to continually ask ourselves if our control of things or environment is because we feel a need to stick it to 'em because they were rotten and deserve it or if it is in their best interest and because we love them. More influence will come from daily expressions of love and giving positive strokes (catching them doing something right and recognizing it and letting them know you like that) than will come from any negative consequences (controlling things and the environment).

This is not coming from one who is perfect at it. Hardly. Rather from bona fide research of behavior and children of all backgrounds and situations, common sense, and even an understanding of God's ways.

Love and Affection

Also from The Parent Project, Changing Destructive Adolescent Behavior, hereafter known as CDAB.

Both manuals address that, "Simply loving children is not enough. Parents' love for their children must be expressed." With small children this is so much easier. As children get older and start talking back and being disrespectful and we start feeling angry with them, expressing that love regularly and genuinely gets tough.

CDAB~ It is essential for children to know they're loved today for who they are, and not what they might become. Children are "now" centered. (so very!) They seldom think of the future and do not usually hold on to the parental messages from one day to the next.

Yesterday I had a particularly tough day with one of my older kids. This child's remarks to me were very hurtful. I had to take a break. Frankly, my child needed a break from me too. After a break for us both I went back and told this child that those remarks hurt my feelings because I love him/her so much! I was heard with sincerity at an appropriate moment. It made a difference.

A child's nature

Like many parents, I look at my kids sometimes and think...'they did NOT get that from me'. Loving Solutions is a book published by The Parent Project, referred to hereafter as LS. "The fact is that our child's nature is probably an inherited trait and is not the result of parenting"-LS So, if they didn't get it from my parenting and I'm thinking it wasn't "inherited" from me or my husband then what is it? Religiously speaking and just plain common sense- they are their own unique spirit. We are only entrusted with their care. Sure we can influence, sure there will be inherited traits, but that is only a small part, the rest is just who they are! And I think if it were any other way, it'd be too easy and life would be boring!

So, in our parenting our mindset needs to be, what can I do to help my child, teach my child, let my child know they are loved. Not, what can I do to fix this child, change this child, get this child to understand. Kids minds think differently than do adults.

Today's mantra, accept myself AND my children for who they are.